My husband is just plain weird. I’ve always known about his little quirks and have either learned how to deal with them, or to just flat out ignore them. But I never thought his peculiarities would actually mean I’d have to step up in the event of certain emergencies!

I watched Jason Manford on TV recently doing a stand-up comedy gig, and I was practically on the floor with laughter…and the fear kicked in. He reckons that the majority of men sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door, and their wives or girlfriends sleep on the other, and went on to discuss how, if an intruder or burglar breaks into your house, the husband/boyfriend can defend his wife/girlfriend more effectively.


That’s all well and good unless you’re me and you’re married to my husband or, as I’m sure is true in some cases, you have your own equally bizarre partner.


Steven has to sleep by the window. I have never known anything like it. He has to be by the window and it has to be open. It doesn’t matter if it’s July or January, the window in our bedroom at night is always open. I was tempted to try to help him with this little…er…problem, but I’ve actually gotten quite used to it now, and I’ve actually started to find it adorable in a, “Only I Could Love You” kind of way.


So I’ve accepted his little eccentricity gracefully and with minimal moaning, but it means I’m screwed when it comes to burglars. It will be left to me to a) hear the intruder as Steven sleeps like the dead anyway, and b) confront said intruder as I’m closest to the door. So, ladies, I am the Chief Investigator of all Things that Go Bump in the Night, and it is my duty to protect my darling husband and sleeping babes in our home.


The problem is, when you’re 5’1” and blonde, which is inhibiting at the best of times, you have to have a plan, because you ain’t gonna away scare no burglar!  And so, crazy as it seems, I have completed an inventory of all items around my house that could be potentially useful when fighting off intruders.


1. A hairdryer. Mine is always kept (when I’m in the mood to put it away) in the drawer under my bed, which means I can be armed within 3 seconds. What damage can a hair-dryer do? I hear you ask. Well, if you were my lying, cheating ex you would know the answer to that question. When launched full force and with accurate aim they’re lethal. Or, at least, good enough to inflict enough pain to buy you enough time to wake up your husband.


2. Christopher’s toy guitar. If I happen to be in my oldest’s room when an intruder breaks in, I can quickly locate my weapon, mainly because he’s inherited his mother’s aversion to tidying up. As a back-up plan, in case Steven’s tidied up or Chris has left it in the garden again or somewhere equally as unhelpful, the seventh Harry Potter book will do – I reckon it could cause as much damage with a well-timed throw as my hairdryer, and it hasn’t yet moved from Christopher’s bookshelf (because he’s 5 and I’ve come to terms with the fact he’s smart but not a boy-genius, and so it will be at least a few years before I can inflict Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry on him).


3. Harry’s gigantic Thomas the Tank Engine. This was a present from my dad for his first birthday, it’s massive and Harry loves sitting on it, which means he would be devastated if I dropped it over the bannister on to the head of the unsuspecting intruder below. A broken toy or a possibly slow and painful death, my child, you decide.


4. If I did feel a pang of guilt at heaving Thomas down the stairs, I could always settle instead for quietly scattering the boys’ toy soldiers on the top few stairs, as they are an absolute bitch to stand on! (And I’m assuming my intruder’s barefoot or in socks, naturally.)


5. TRESemme s shampoo for coloured or highlighted hair, quickly followed by TRESemme conditioner for coloured or highlighted hair, would do some damage, I’m sure, unless Steven’s been secretly wasting it on his un-dyed locks and the bottles are, consequently, less full and, therefore, are less heavier and effective as weapons than I anticipate. Heavy bottles of shampoo are probably your best bet if you’re sat on the loo in your bathroom when you realise the intruder’s in your house.


6. Steven’s football boots. If they’re clean and in the house they’re kept upstairs in the cupboard in the spare room…out of the way. Get some force behind your swing, and studs to the face could do some real damage. With this one, positioning and timing is essential, as you have to be hid behind a door and ready to swing at the perfect moment if you want maximum impact.



And so, my home is also my fortress, and woe betide anyone stupid enough to try to harm the men in my life, because Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone pales in comparison to the inventive ways I can use the most mundane household item as weapons of mass destruction.


Hope you enjoyed reading my piece, ladies, and that you’ve found it entertaining if not informative and highly useful. (It may also be relevant at this point to consider having your mobile by your bed in case of emergencies.) And if all of these methods fail, consider getting a Steeline Garage. At least that way, you know your car is safe from burglars!


I’d love to hear from you if you’ve got any other suggestions for suitable weapons that can be fashioned out of household items…though come on ladies, let’s keep the ideas realistic. I’d love to hear from you even more if your partner has a bizarre sleeping habit, and you can sympathise with my situation. Maybe we can set up a support group…? It would be nice to know I’m not the only one out there!